But He Never Hit Me: Does God Allow Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse?

But He Never Hit Me: Does God Allow Divorce for Neglect, Emotional, and Financial Abuse?

You Can Love God and Still Get a Divorce

Many Christians in destructive marriages often wrestle with this painful question: Do I have biblical grounds for divorce? If you’re experiencing neglect, emotional, financial, or even physical abuse, you might feel trapped—unsure if leaving aligns with God’s will.

Here’s the truth: You can love God and still get a divorce—and He will still love you. Sometimes, stepping away from a destructive marriage is necessary to preserve your life, sanity, and faith. As a Certified Divorce Coach, I’ve stood alongside countless women navigating these waters, helping them find clarity and strength to make the decisions that are best for them, in their own time.

Let me share Lori’s story as an example of how even without physical abuse, the impact of emotional and financial neglect can be devastating—and how she found freedom.

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Lori’s Story: Emotional and Financial Abuse Hidden Behind Success

Lori’s journey into marriage began with what felt like a fairy tale. Growing up with a loving mother who had courageously left a violently abusive marriage and found new love with a supportive, kind man, Lori believed that marriage could—and should—be a partnership grounded in love and mutual respect. When she met her future husband, a charismatic entrepreneur with a veneer of spirituality, she thought her prayers had been answered. She ignored the warning signs, swept away by his charm and the illusion of shared faith.

From the outset, Lori found herself bending over backward to fit into his world. She drove hours to see him, always to his convenience, while he rarely bothered to visit her. He dismissed her family, showing thinly veiled contempt, and often belittled her accomplishments, reducing her hard-earned successes to mere footnotes compared to his entrepreneurial ventures. After their wedding, his indifference deepened into chilling neglect. He was uninterested in her well-being, indifferent to her emotional needs, and obsessed with his financial ambitions. Her opinions were dismissed, her dreams trivialized. He made her feel that her only value lay in supporting his aspirations.

The psychological manipulation was relentless. He would twist every disagreement, masterfully shifting blame onto her, making her feel irrational and at fault. The silent treatment became his weapon of choice—icy days and nights where her existence was ignored, leaving her spiraling into self-doubt. Gradually, Lori’s vibrant personality dulled. Her confidence eroded under his constant criticisms, and the cheerful, independent woman she once was became a shadow, walking on eggshells to avoid his unpredictable outbursts.

Financially, he tightened his grip, refusing to invest in their shared life while pouring money into his businesses. Lori found herself living in a paycheck to paycheck, going to food pantries without him knowing, while he indulged in lavish trips under the guise of “networking.” Each time she attempted to make small improvements to their home or indulge in something for herself, he lashed out, accusing her of being wasteful and ungrateful. The disparity between his self-indulgence and her enforced frugality was stark and humiliating.

Emotionally isolated, Lori tried to rationalize his behavior. “He’s a busy man,” she’d tell herself. “I should be more understanding.” When Lori asked for prayer at church she was instructed to have more faith and be an honorable wife. Then God would change her husband. But this internal dialogue only deepened her confusion and the shame she felt in church with not being good enough in her Faith left her feeling completely alone. She felt trapped in an emotional labyrinth, where love and cruelty were entwined, and she couldn’t find the exit. The final blow came during a terrifying cancer scare. As she wept at her parents’ home on Thanksgiving, terrified of what lay ahead, her husband coldly accused her of being selfish, of “ruining” the holiday with her tears. In that moment, the fog lifted, and she saw clearly—his behavior was never about partnership or love; it was about power, control, and his insatiable self-centeredness.

Lori’s story is a powerful reminder of how emotional and psychological abuse can be as devastating as physical harm. It’s a cycle that strips away one’s identity, leaving behind fear and confusion. But recognizing the truth is the first step toward reclaiming freedom and self-worth.

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Emotional and Financial Abuse Is Real Abuse

Lori’s story is a reminder that abuse isn’t limited to physical violence. Emotional and financial abuse, neglect, and manipulation are just as destructive and painful. Sadly, many victims stay in these marriages because their experiences don’t leave visible scars, making it harder to recognize and validate the harm.

Some churches add to this pain by dismissing emotional abuse as “not real abuse” or advising victims to “pray harder” or “submit more.” But the Bible is clear: marriage is meant to be a partnership of mutual love, respect, and care. Anything less fails to meet God’s standard.

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Understanding the Abuse Cycle

Abusive relationships often follow a pattern:
1️⃣ Abuse/Violence – The incident of harm or neglect.
2️⃣ Honeymoon Phase – Temporary acts of kindness or remorse, often used as manipulation to keep the victim from leaving.
3️⃣ Tension Building – A period of strain, where the victim feels they’re walking on eggshells.

Understanding the Abuse Cycle

The Abuse Cycle helps victims recognize why there are “good times” in abusive relationships. Experts emphasize that the so-called Honeymoon Phase is not a break from abuse; rather, it’s a different tactic of manipulation. Referring to it as a honeymoon can mislead victims into thinking the abuser has changed or feels genuine remorse for their actions. In reality, it’s more accurately described as “Manipulative Kindness”—a calculated effort to maintain control.

Learning about the Abuse Cycle is invaluable. Why? Because many victims rationalize their situation by focusing on the good times, saying, “My spouse isn’t abusive every day” or “We’ve shared happy moments.” The truth is, most abusive households do not appear abusive all the time. Abuse is often hidden, inflicted through covert tactics like gifts, tearful apologies, and promises to change, all while the underlying manipulation, control, and deceit persist.

It’s important to understand that abuse is not the victim’s fault. Abuse stems from the abuser’s inability—or refusal—to regulate their emotions and respond to life’s challenges in a safe, mature, and respectful way. Instead, abusive individuals resort to intimidation, bullying, threats, humiliation, and other tactics to force others to meet their demands.

Even when abusers show temporary remorse or make grand gestures, it’s rarely about true repentance. Their apologies are often driven by a fear of losing the benefits they receive from the relationship or maintaining their self-image, not by a desire to heal the harm they’ve caused. These actions are yet another way to avoid accountability and continue their cycle of abuse.

More information on the cycle of abuse and how to break it.

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What Does the Bible Say About Abuse?

I believe that willful neglect of marital responsibilities can be a valid reason for divorce. This aligns with the principles found in Exodus 21:10–11, which states that a wife may be freed if her husband fails to provide her with food, clothing, or marital rights. Similarly, 1 Corinthians 7:15, 39 suggests that abandonment or neglect can release someone from their marital bond, allowing them to move forward. As with cases of sexual immorality, it takes wisdom and discernment to determine when neglect has reached the point of breaking a marriage vow. Read more in David Instone-Brewer book, Divorce and Remarriage in the Church.

The Bible clearly condemns abusive, self-centered behavior and gives believers the freedom to walk away from such relationships:

• You are free to end associations with abusive people:
  “But actually, I wrote you not to associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister and is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or verbally abusive, a drunkard or a swindler. Do not even eat with such a person.” —1 Corinthians 5:11 (CSB)

• You are free to throw off the yoke of slavery and oppression:
  “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” —Galatians 5:1 (NIV)

• You are free to walk away from selfish and abusive people:
  “But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” —2 Timothy 3:1-5 (NIV)

• God hates violence and those who perpetuate it:
  “The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.” —Psalm 11:5 (NIV)

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How I Can Help as Your Divorce Coach

Abuse in any form—physical, emotional, financial, or spiritual—is never justified. It is not the victim’s responsibility to fix the abuser, and no amount of patience, love, or forgiveness can change someone unwilling to confront their behavior. God does not call us to endure harm or live in bondage to abuse. Instead, He desires freedom, safety, and dignity for every one of His children. If you’re in an abusive situation, remember: You are not alone, and you have the right to protect yourself and seek a life of peace and restoration.

As a Certified Divorce Coach, I’m here to help you navigate the confusion and pain of leaving a destructive marriage. Together, we can:

• Clarify your situation and identify signs of emotional or financial abuse.
• Empower you to make decisions that align with your faith and values.
• Create a plan for rebuilding your life and discovering your God-given purpose.

You don’t have to go through this alone. Whether you’re unsure about leaving or rebuilding after a divorce, I’m here to guide and support you every step of the way.

Healing isn’t linear, but with courage, intention, and the right support, you can create a life filled with peace and purpose. Schedule a consultation with me today and start your journey toward renewal.

If you’re ready to take the next step or just want to explore what divorce coaching could look like for you, reach out. I’ll be with you every step of the way, offering support, encouragement, and hope for the future you deserve.

Together, we’ll rediscover the incredible person you are.

You’ve got this—and I’ve got you.

Warmly,

Mariel Morgan
Certified Divorce Coach